Holy communion is a method of contracting obligating promising oneself to follow some guy from 2,000 years ago. But the sharing of the chalice is potentially dangerous, especially for people who may or may not know their immune system is suppressed. Furthermore, it’s not an efficient way to get drunk, which, as an atheist, I can only assume is the real reason people go to church on Sunday. I have a solution to this that a) mitigates the risks associated with sharing sacramental wine, and b) meets worshippers’ needs to get wasted.

There’s a turn-of-the-(last)-century church about two miles from my house, and it’s for sale. I don’t know the story behind its closing, but the building is in quite good shape, and it would be a shame to see it return to its former abysmally boring and atonal church services. There are many, many other buildings around town that serve that purpose. So I’ve decided to buy it.

A friend of mine mentioned that I can take advantage of the transaction by qualifying it as an actual non-denominational church to receive tax exemption. Without a second’s hesitation, I immediately blurted out, “I shall name it the Church of Spirits.”

The Church of Spirits is a combination place of worship for those who wish to pray to their invisible sky lords (in a room sealed off from the rest of the pub church), a place of religious and political debate for those who wish to discuss such matters, a soapbox for washed-up academics who can’t publish their research (possibly due to falling to the pseudoscientific dark side, to which it is our duty to mock him publicly), and a fully-stocked bar, complete with every conceivable spirit, wine, and beer.

It will be open twenty-four, seven, and will accept mandatory market-based tithes to receive individualized sacramental beverages in clean, sanitary glasses, flutes, steins, or whatever, or personal-sized bottles (generally 330-750ml). Blessings will be performed on-site immediately before consumption, usually by a priest of the Church of Satan or a teenager experimenting with Wicca (we have to outsource the communion because the management is not ordained, due to aforementioned atheism). For the consecration of the host, an onsite kitchen will provide a full-service menu, including sandwiches toasted with Jesus’ image (or any other mythical figure). Night attendance will be accompanied by local death metal and punk concerts, that guy Phil who peddles pills and caps outside of Yummy China Buffet, and a midnight review featuring men in costume as god created them (fully nude).

Membership in this church is open to everyone. Come join us in fellowship every night of the week. Invite your friends and family. I want to get fucking rich!