Jesus is a very important figure in Islam. Muslims believe that the bible is 100% correct regarding everything about Jesus, except, of course, the things the bible got wrong. Namely, Jesus was not the son of god. He was merely a prophet, a prophet whose second coming will bring about Allah’s judgement on the human race. So how does the Quran deal with the contradiction between Islam and Christianity regarding the divinity of Jesus? It was all an illusion!

In the fourth book of the Quran, al-Nisa (or “The Women”), we are told that Jesus never died on the cross. Instead, Allah is a gifted trickster. Behold:

4:157 And [for] their saying, “Indeed, we have killed the Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary, the messenger of Allah.” And they did not kill him, nor did they crucify him; but [another] was made to resemble him to them. And indeed, those who differ over it are in doubt about it. They have no knowledge of it except the following of assumption. And they did not kill him, for certain.

4:158 Rather, Allah raised him to Himself. And ever is Allah Exalted in Might and Wise.

As some of you might remember, I have two Muslim roommates, one of whom prays at the Mosque down the street everyday (he’s ultra, ultra religious). I brought these verses to his attention. He offered me the following explanation.

For reasons never explained, Allah couldn’t wait a few more days for Jesus to be executed. He needed Jesus in heaven right away. But he also needed Jesus to be executed. The solution? Snatch Jesus from earth right now and pick some poor sap, some innocent bystander, to wear Jesus’ face long enough to fool the executioners and the Jews.

In completing this absurd trick, Allah must’ve known the following: The crucifixion of Jesus would be used to create Christianity, the largest religion the world has ever known–a false religion, mind you. So it was all a ruse to trick people into following the wrong religion. Unfortunately for these cursed Christian souls, Allah waited another 600 years before bothering to mention that the Divine Jesus myth in the bible was all a lie.

Allah takes his April Fools jokes very, very seriously.