Remember Jim Jones? Marshall Applewhite? David Koresh? What about Li Hongzhi? These are all bat shit insane cult leaders who compelled their followers to commit mass suicide (or maybe it was murder??) (ok, so Waco’s debatable). The point is that every once in a while some nut job who thinks he’s the Christ risen or some other divinely powerful earthly creature gets it in his head that the best way to prove your devotion to the LORD is to drink some arsenic-laced Flavor Aid or set yourself on fire. And when this happens most of the world is in shock, pointing their fingers at those religious idiots for not religioning right. You bastards!! What, giving all us decent god-fearing normal people a bad name! Me? I’m always over here scratching my head, my interest piqued, a new problem to solve, because suicide missions are kind of my specialty.
These mass suicides are always rather idiotic. The members are compelled to kill themselves with the promise of eternal salvation for following this insane suicidal order. These are people who — while perhaps threatened by their religious leaders — feel that the afterlife is so fucking incredible that violently shedding one’s earthly body is a rational choice. But sometimes it isn’t about the afterlife at all; it’s about some crazy ass mother fucker who thinks he can perform miracles.
Ugh… I should just get to the point. That’s why you’re reading this anyway.
Last week a popular Sufi Pakistani spiritual leader, Muhammad Sabir, claiming a divine ability to raise the dead sought out a volunteer to have his throat cut in order to prove his divine gift. In other words, the religious nut didn’t compel anyone to kill themselves; he patiently waited for someone to raise their hand and say, “Me! Me! Me! Oooh kill me, please!!” And sure enough, he found someone stupid enough to go through with it. Do I have to tell you how it ended.
(Spoiler alert: It ended badly)
Muhammad Niaz, a 40-year-old provider for six children believed Sabir so wholeheartedly that he rose to the challenge. Sabir tied Niaz to a table and cut his throat in front of a large group of believers. Niaz, of course, died, and Sabir frantically tried to chant Niaz back to life, with no luck (what a shocker). Meanwhile, the only rational onlooker called the police, and Sabir tried to make his escape but was soon caught and arrested.
What makes this even stupider is that Niaz’s sister believes he went to heaven for his sacrifice, completely ignoring the fact that his six children are now fatherless… and that, you know, this technically counts as suicide, which is forbidden.
To recap: This is more idiotic than people killing themselves to be taken to heaven on a magical spaceship trailing the Hale Bopp comet. My reason: He wasn’t promised an afterlife. He was promised merely a short break in actual life, no more than a few seconds. Furthermore, he should’ve known better! No human being has ever returned from the dead! But most of all, he didn’t have to do it!! Sabir wasn’t compelling him at all. The choice was totally within Niaz’s control!
I’m very sorry that a person had to die, but he should’ve fucking known better.