Counting down the final days in the 2013 War on Christmas, victory seems unlikely

Atheist Warriors in America, it is with a saddened heart that I officially acknowledge our defeat in the 2013 annual War on Christmas. This might be a little early, considering that Xmas is still a week away, and we definitely have the ability to land a few more blows against Jesus, but let’s face it; victory is not nigh. This post serves as a lessons-learned for future campaigns against the God Warriors.

It’s been two years since we lost our beloved leader, the fearless Major General Christopher Hitchens. Since then we’ve struggled to reorganize, and the Jesus team has recently promoted two new Generals, Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin, who recently drafted a frightening campaign against atheist heathens. This is a crushing blow against the Nation of Atheism.

Our battle against Jesus was doomed last week when a First Lieutenant from the 2nd Field Regiment of the Royal Army of Christ attacked a private from the Salvation Army. Private Kristina Vindiola, in a rare move from a Christian, pushed for secularism by saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” and was immediately assaulted by the more fundamentalist branch of the Christian Military. This proves that the Christian Military is unwilling to accept secular approaches to their war strategy. We should expect more terrorist tactics in years to come.

From then on things continued to get worse. Five star General of the Christian Armies Bill O’Reilly even understood this. In fact, this week he officially announced victory in the war. General O’Reilly announced a permanent victory, not just a victory over this campaign. “We attacked them [the atheists]. We challenged them … We just won” the General said on Christian propaganda television station Fox News.

Fox News Col. Megyn Kelly also scored a victory for the Christians when she used “historical fact” to prove that both Santa and Jesus were white dudes. This so impressed General O’Reilly that he has put in a recommendation for Kelly’s promotion to a one star general. If this happens, the Atheist Army will face a foe the likes of which we’ve never seen: Brains… no wait. The other one. Beauty.

Thankfully, however, we had our own share of victories. For example, the Secretary of Atheist Defense Sam Harris this year signed a rare peace treaty with both President Lucien Greaves of the Nation of Lucifer and the de facto President of the Atheist occupied Festivusian Territories, Mr. Chaz Stevens. These alliances will merge our armies into the Coalition of Reason. Brigadier General David Silverman, who defected from the Jewish Nation of Atheism, is on the short list to lead the coalition to war against Christians in 2014.

Despite our defeat, 2014 is another chance to kill Christianity once and for all. Next year we’ll attack them when they least expect it: Easter. Oh wait. They already know we’re coming.

About Rayan Zehn

I'm a political scientist.
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