Bible Contradictions #45: How did Antiochus die?

Bible contradictions 45

Antiochus IV Epiphanes is a moderately important bible character, even though he doesn’t even appear in many versions of the bible. Antiochus is the main antagonist in the war against the Jews that culminated in the events that are now celebrated as Hanukkah.

The story about the Maccabean revolt is chronicled in the books of Maccabees, deuterocanonical books held as cannon by the Catholic and Greek Orthodox churches. The books are not considered cannon by the Protestants and — interestingly enough — the Jews. As legend tells us, Antiochus lost the war, dying suddenly four years before it was finished. But how did he die? In order to answer this we should look at the books of Maccabees, but unfortunately doing so will only confuse us.

First in 1 Maccabees 6:8-16 we find the Jews cursed Antiochus with grief and worry, which led to his death.

Then in 2 Maccabees 1:16-17 we find Antiochus entering a temple to get married. Unbeknownst to him, some Jewish assassins were waiting for him, having entered the temple through a secret door. The Jews stoned Antiochus and his men, decapitated them, and chopped them into pieces.

But apparently not even decapitation could kill Antiochus because he appears in the book again. In 2 Maccabees 9 god gets pretty pissed at Antiochus after he gets in his chariot to flee from battle. God’s had enough of the leader’s shenanigans, striking him down in a classic god of Abraham way; god gave Antiochus uncontrollable diarrhea. So terrible was this diarrhea that Antiochus fell from his chariot, breaking several bones. The feces attracted a swarm of worms, which feasted on Antiochus’ flesh. The stink was so awful that his men couldn’t get near to save him. He became so desperate that he asked god to save the Jews in exchange for relief. God said not a word, so Antiochus, covered in shit, wrote a letter to the Jews, freeing them from persecution. And then he died.

That’s a pretty crazy story. What makes it even crazier is it was Antiochus’ third death.

As I mentioned above, this is considered cannon by the Catholics and the Greek Orthodox church. The Jews and the Protestants do not consider this story cannon. Perhaps it’s because this contradiction was so glaring they decided to cut the entire story from the bible. Who knows? It’s still pretty funny that it’s in some bibles!

About Rayan Zehn

I'm a political scientist.
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7 Responses to Bible Contradictions #45: How did Antiochus die?

  1. Maybe “terrible diarrhea” is God talk for stoning, decapitation and cutting the perp into little pieces.

  2. Pingback: Bible Contradictions #45: How did Antiochus die? | Christians Anonymous

  3. Martin says:

    Actually there’s a 4th version in the Bible:

    Daniel 11:45 And he shall plant the tabernacles of his palace between the seas in the glorious holy mountain; yet he shall come to his end, and none shall help him.

  4. Ricca says:

    I think we would all be covered in poop however we die in anguish regardless of the initial causality. Worms and poo go with grief and suffering as cowardice and fear stink to high heavens also. Perhaps the stories are correlated more in theme than historical facts? Since Protestant and Jewish canonical texts appear to be more focused on fact of history rather than moralizing for the sake of the teachings, it’s not hard to understand why apocryphal works are relegated to less weighty roles… A correlative approach on perspective and context can lead to understanding often times that supercedes the need for exact technical correlations 😊

  5. Art says:

    If there is a Satan, I would imagine he would have a hand in disseminating a false narrative as well. For if such a place called Hell as described by the man called Christ, I should imagine Lucifer, the one called Satan would not disenchant any with the truth.
    I would think this person, if he exists would be behind any false narrative to keep those who prefer the self measure of right and wrong on the road to debunking what may in the end be true.
    But then, who in their right mind could suppose or think such a place of horror is indeed real! Or some human called a prophet actually foretells the future by authority of some being calling Himself the Creator.
    Scientists of several measures claim the mathematical statistic of 10 to the 10th to the 10th is the statistical number that the Universe came into being by accident. But, nevertheless, who in their right mind can believe it actually has an author and why the so called Bible author.
    Only the insane believe that…… right.
    Whew……. I’m glad you’re aboard on that. Insane to believe otherwise.

  6. aithon sotby says:

    this is why the apocrypha is false, the apocrypha doesnt belong in the bible

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