Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon) is one of the more interesting books of Judeo-Christian-Islamic* canon. It’s pretty much porn. The “song” is allegedly about Mick Jagger’s “Brown Sugar” … ahem. It’s about a black woman … Well, it’s about a woman who’s been in the fields a little too long and has a sunburn. She might be a black woman for all we know. Despite the amount of melanin in her skin, the “song” goes on to tell the story of her search for her lover and what they do after she finds him.

As a “song” much of Song of Songs sings like a duet, the female singing certain verses, with her lover chiming in at opportune moments. For whatever reason, the audience is the “daughters of Jerusalem.” In other words, men should take nothing from Songs.

Song of Songs is worth the read, however, because it is filled with sexual imagery bordering on pornography. With lines such as:

• “My beloved is to me a bag of myrrh that lies between my breasts” (verse 1:13),
• “his fruit was sweet to my taste” (oral sex) (verse 2:3),
• “My beloved is mine and I am his; he pastures his flock among the lilies.” (he performs oral sex on her) (verse 2:16),
• “Your neck is like the tower of David, built in courses; on it hang a thousand bucklers, all of them shields of warriors” (classic romance novel line) (verse 4:4),
• “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies” (verse 4:5),
• “Your lips distill nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; the scent of your garments is like the scent of Lebanon” (verse 4:11),
• “Blow upon my garden that its fragrance may be wafted abroad. Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits” (she is asking him for more oral sex) (verse 4:16),
• “Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one; for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night” (apparently, the woman and the man are brother and sister) (verse 5:2),
• “My beloved thrust his hand into the opening, and my inmost being yearned for him” (in this verse he’s actually putting his hand through the hole of a door, but still, the imagery is extremely sexual) (verse 5:4),
• “Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is a heap of wheat, encircled with lilies” (more oral sex) (verse 7:2),
• “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle” (Um… not exactly sexy, but ok) (verse 7:3),
• “You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters” (verse 7:7),
• “Come, my beloved let us go forth into the fields, and lodge in the villages; let us go out early to the vineyards, and see whether the vines have budded, whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom There I will give you my love” (sexy time in the fields!) (verses 7:11-12),
• “I would give you spiced wine to drink, the juice of my pomegranates” (oral sex) (verse 8:2),
• “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready!” (Swallow, don’t spit) (verse 8:4),
• “We have a little sister, and she has no breasts … my breasts were like towers” (HAHA!) (verses 8:8-10).

This is — hands down — the most awesome book of the bible. There’s really not much to criticize here. It doesn’t make a single religious statement. There’s basically no mention of god or anything supernatural. It’s just a fun pornographic short story. I’m glad it was included in the bible.

*Several muslims have argued that verse 5:16 mentions Muhammad by name. This is, of course, false.